SEX IN THE COUNTRY: Cummer’s Remorse

I was surprised to find that this is an actual term in the urban dictionary because I thought I was the first to coin it.  Though it’s something rarely talked about, I’m not the first to notice this biological/anthropological/sociological phenomenon. It’s pretty much what you think it is:  the letdown after an orgasm.  It seems like it’s more common in men, but women experience it as well.

What brings on Cummer’s Remorse?  Some of the examples I’ve heard are hardcore pornography, BDSM, or banging fat chicks. If another person is involved, you want them gone.  If it’s just you and the porno, you have to turn it off immediately.  Sometimes it’s not that obvious; sometimes it takes you by surprise.  Occasionally, tears are triggered. And sometimes the shame you feel is just fodder for next time.

I’ve always been hesitant to analyze sexual desire because I don’t want to ruin it for myself, but Cummer’s Remorse is unique in that it sucks for both the giver and the receiver so it merits special attention to be avoided.  How bad is it when he sneaks out while you’re sleeping?  Or she gives you the wrong number?  I laughed out loud with recognition at the scene in Bridesmaids when Jon Hamm says to Kristin Wiig, just after he comes, “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I really want you to leave.”

I think Cummer’s Remorse is triggered by a failed attempt to connect.  For example, you don’t know the person well, and then after you have sex, you find you don’t like them. Maybe the person is a bad lover, maybe it was dark, maybe the smell was off.  Advertising tries to sell us tons of products to make sure we’re never rejected, but the truth is most men decide if they’re going to fall in love with you on the first date and a quarter of all men say they fall in love within seconds. You mean all that work, game-playing, calling/not calling is really for naught? My guess is that as time goes on that love is tested and may be found wanting.  But what’s interesting is that most people won’t clear the first hurdle – on average men fall in love three times in their lifetime and women only once. According to these statistics, my girlfriends and I have wasted a lot of time trying to get the attention of men we already had no chance with after the first date!

So it turns out that men and women fall into bed with each other all the time, with no chance of love on the horizon. This should not come as a surprise. Now that we find this supported scientifically, however, does it have to be a cause for remorse?

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